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I am currently working on edits for a book targeted toward one of the print houses in New York. I wrote it a few years ago, and last year it finalled in the Linda Howard Award of Excellence. The book was good enough to earn the interest of an agent, and rumor has it a few folks in New York want to see it. Awesome. Except... the book isn’t nearly as perfect as I thought it was.
Much to my disbelief, my agent pointed out many run-on sentences, an abundance of adverbs and useless adjectives, and fluff. FLUFF? How the heck did that get in there? Somehow I’ve picked up a bunch of bad habits I need to lose. I never used to accept run-on sentences in anything I wrote or edited. I freely admit to being a grammar nazi. Yet with the crutch of a tiny comma, everything I wrote made sense.

Yes, I took the easy way out, though I hadn’t realized I was doing it. Not good. As a new author trying to break into larger publishers, punchy, tight writing is a must. I’ve been reading and rereading my work, crossing out most of my “ly’s” and unnecessary adjectives. Detail is a wonderful thing in a book, but not at the expense of pacing, I’m learning. I also like to begin sentences with “and” and “but,” and am reworking those issues. One of my unfortunate bad habits that’s driving me crazy is my overuse of “glare” “study” “watch” “saw” and “look.” I’m doing too much telling and not enough showing, and I thought I knew to be more careful about that.

Check this out. It’s the first paragraph of my manuscript, pre-agent Edits:

As she stared resignedly out the window of a Humvee that had seen better days, Marine Corps Captain Brianna Kelley sucked in a breath and suddenly braced against the dash. A flash of sharp branches and pine needles scratched across the protective plastic of her window as the vehicle whined and bounced over sharp rocks, tree roots, and woodland debris barely visible under the overhead canopy of leaves and spotty moonlight.

I’ve got a “suddenly” and one long-*ss sentence following. Not that punchy. Now read the post-edited version:

“For God’s sake, Edwards, watch the road!” Marine Corps Captain Brianna Kelley sucked in a breath and braced against the dash, staring out the window of a Humvee that had seen better days. Sharp branches and pine needles scratched across the protective plastic of her window. The vehicle whined and bounced over sharp rocks, tree roots, and woodland debris barely visible under the overhead canopy of leaves and spotty moonlight.

Reading this, you want to know what the heck’s going on. The shorter sentences in the edited paragraph flow better. And I like starting out with dialogue, immediately pulling the reader in.

As if run-on sentences weren’t bad enough, my characters do more glancing, shrugging, blinking, laughing and grinning than most people do in a lifetime. I can’t believe I missed all this the first six times I went through it. Even letting the manuscript sit for a while before rereading it hadn’t shown me such errors. A fresh set of eyes and an experienced editor are putting me on the right path and helping my other work as well.

Before:
She dimly heard Edwards swearing, the sound of a muffled struggle registering while Bri rose unsteadily on her feet, rubbing at the ache in her tailbone. Glancing beyond the vehicle through scattered rays of moonlight, she noted the sergeant engaging an extremely tall male, one wearing a long, dark jacket of some kind. A jacket in the middle of summer? Even more odd, his hands and the small flashes of his face seemed obscenely white against the dark backdrop of woods.

Shaking her head, Bri forced herself to regain her bearings and stumbled toward her sergeant, who now sat dizzily on the ground, literally swept off her feet by Tall, Dark and Weird.

After:
She heard Edwards swearing. The sound of a muffled struggle registered while Bri rose unsteadily on her feet, rubbing at the ache in her tailbone. Glancing beyond the vehicle through scattered rays of moonlight, she noted the sergeant engaging a tall male, one wearing a long, dark jacket of some kind. A jacket in the middle of summer? Even more odd, his hands and the small flashes of his face seemed obscenely white against the dark backdrop of woods.

Shaking her head, Bri forced herself to regain her bearings. She stumbled toward her sergeant, who now sat on the ground, swept off her feet by Tall, Dark and Weird.

Better after, I think. This is the stuff I’ve been keeping myself busy with as I work toward polishing this manuscript. I was pretty scared at first. I thought my story was wonderful, and it mostly is. *grin* But honesty compels me to admit it’s MUCH better now. I’m up to page 88 of 336 on my edits. It’s slow-going. It’s a major pain. But it’s worth it.

As much as I wish I could do it one hundred percent right the first time, relearning the craft is as exciting as finishing that first draft. With what I now know, my writing can only get that much better.

Marie
www.marieharte.com