I was out of commission for a few weeks very recently and had to spend a lot of time on the couch. This unasked-for holiday didn’t allow for much in the way of creative energy, but it did make me lie down for long periods of time. My husband was sweet and bought me some DVDs to enjoy. Since then I’ve been thinking about movies in general. Like many folks, there’s times when I’d just love the opportunity to re-write certain film scripts. There’s some on my personal list which I honest-to-god hate. Movies that the world would have been better off not ever being witness to. But then there are some, which while enjoyable, just piqued me with the desire to at least touch up.

I sat down and wrote down my list of Dream Wanna-Rewrites, and then I made a list of movies I wouldn’t change for a million bucks. When I was through I was astonished by the number of adaptations from literary sources that showed up on both.

Anyway, hitting the top twenty on my Dream Wanna-Rewrites list are:

20. Buffalo Rider, 1978

This one was touted as a dramatization of the real life of C.J. “Buffalo” Jones, who dedicated himself to ending the extermination of the American buffalo.

With such a worthy objective, what’s wrong with movie? What’s right with it is the better question. This family-oriented Adventure set back in the old west also happens to make #1 on my Worst Movies of All Time List. The first sin is with the poor script; filled with narration, and peppered all the way through with what I can only guess was intended to be humor. The acting was outright amateurish. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out the director had put out an “Actors Needed – No Experience Necessary” sign before the cameras started rolling; this, or asked for volunteers from the family back at the trailer park. The camera work wasn’t any better, unless you’re really fond of sun glares every ten minutes, sliding, shaky angles and out of focus scenery and cameos. And then there were the corny White Hat vs. Black Hat scenes, replete with hayseed dialog and Appledumpling Gang-style pratfalls. (Heck, at least Conway and Knotts could pull it off and leave the audience grinning.)

What could the script writers have done to improve this movie? They either could have left out the dialog altogether and promoted it as a surrealistic Western, or better yet, just let the buffalo eat the script.

19. Daddy Day Care, 2003

So cute, so PC-conscious... I wanted to barf. Give me a real guy trying to run a day care; the kind of guy whose idea of exercise is sending the kids out to change the tire. A man who thinks sweeping the floor before waxing is a waste of time, and, in turn, swears by the three-second rule. A man who thinks instant mashed potatoes are a good source of fiber and labels ketchup a vegetable. A guy, who in a pinch, goes for a handful of paper towels after he discovers he’s used the last Pampers. Or one who might think that a quick run in the microwave is a handy way to dry baby after the bath. Ok, that last one might be a little drastic; but give me an ordinary Joe trying to do what most any mother can do with one hand tied behind her back and then I might have found this movie amusing. It might appeal to some, this ideal of there being no real differences between the natural psyches of the sexes; but I just found it tiresome.

18. Runaway Bride, 1999

She’s fickle; he’s just plain annoying. Together, they’re foycking, as in, “I could have saved the money wasted on renting this foycking snoozer and used it to buy something more romantic, like new batteries for my vibrator.”

This screenplay was a waste of Julia Roberts’ skills. Instead of consciously only showcasing her looks they could have given her some realistic lines and realistic emotions, too. Richard Gere is exasperating most of the time, anyway; so while he may have been ideal for the part, the part could have been deleted and re-written toward an entertaining and yes, romantic direction.

17. Highlander ll, The Quickening, 1991

I’m not the first to say it and I probably won’t be the last: whoever wrote this script must not have watched the first film in the series. On the chance that they did, they should have had their guild privileges revoked for life. The script was so far off from the storyline of the first movie –and so bad- actor Christopher Lambert wanted to drop out after reading it, but he was already obligated by contract.

16. Any Italian “Horror” movie made during the past 30 years

If we can assume anything from these is that what scares an Italian movie audience is a lot different from what frightens Americans. If you want to be an acclaimed writer of Italian film work, just stick to the formula and remember surreal isn’t the same as “so real”. The basic plot formula: there’s something awry someplace, and that something is sent by the Devil. You know something’s about to happen when the ambience music suddenly surges to a deafening pitch. Throw in somebody levitating, allusions about some misplaced medieval treatise, garish make-up, a few lurking mimes or clowns, and someone losing their face along the way and you’re set to make your movie. Oh, and one last item: naked boobs showing up in the most unlikely of situations. Whether it’s the nurse assisting in the operating room or the real estate lady giving a tour to prospective buyers those puppies have to show up! Suffice to say, if everyone took heed and remained fully dressed, the devil would have hell getting anything accomplished in these films.

15. Beauty and The Beast, 1991 (Disney animated adaptation)

Speaking of deafening ambience music, from the first scene of this movie I wanted nothing more to run from the theater and never look back.

Granted, Belle looked really hot in her gold-tissue gown, and she certainly knew how to tease the opposite sex with just the right pro-feminist things to say when bantering with a man. But Belle! Sure, Beast needed a body shave, but under all that fur and enchantment he was a man nonetheless... a man with needs and by the looks of it, one more than able to satisfy whatever long-denied passions those PC notions have told you not to think about.

Alas, the whole thing came off offensively pedantic. Even with the music, had Belle just ONCE thrown off the smug façade, bared even a peep of shoulder and flashed Beast one feminine pout I might have cheered her and forgotten how very much I wanted to smash those annoying cups and saucers!

14. The Shining, 1997 (Adaptation)

A movie that proves that just because a master of horror can scare the bejesus out of readers with his book, it doesn’t necessarily mean he knows how to convey the same frightening atmosphere over to a screenplay. To be fair, this film adaptation had some of the spooky elements of the novel. But what ultimately spoiled it was what came across as King’s attempt to make this a sentimental “Feel Good” flick. Sorry, but Feel-Good and horror rarely a good marriage make.

13. Tell Your Children, popularly known as Reefer Madness, 1936

Way back in our grandparents’ day this anti-drug exploitation film was considered high drama. Over the years, on merit of its exaggerated script and the wanting talents of the actors, it has become one of the best known cult-film classics of all time.

I think there was just one thing missing: Jimmy Durante. If I’d written this there’d have been a special role just for him. Maybe Nick the skirt-chasing milk man, or Gramps Joe regaling the neighborhood kids with tales about how he used to Ride The Dragon. I’m not sure, but Durante would have been there. The contrast of his classy presence against to the otherwise bad acting could only have clarified to the original victims –er, audience- that cultural hysteria is its own form of dope.

12. The Godfather, Part 2, 1974 (Not an adaptation, just a sequel)

Sometimes it only takes one brief but pertinent scene to ruin what otherwise could have been a fantastic storyline.
Michael Corleone –I can’t believe you had Fredo killed. You suck, you outlaw.

11. Austin Powers in Goldmember, 2002

Sometimes it only takes one juvenile rehash to make viewers wish sequels were outlawed.
Mike Myers, you collaborated on this insipid screenplay. You suck.

10. Star Wars, 1977 (Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the books only appeared after the movie?)

I’m not a particularly big Star Wars series fan; alright, to be frank, not a fan at all. (Though I actually found that last one, about Darth Vader getting scorched by the lava quite a cut above the others –and Yoda really kicked some butt!). But anyway, if there was ever a movie that had the potential of making me a fan but failed it was Star Wars.

So why didn’t this classic block-buster turn my knobs? Utter lack of convincing adult language for one thing. I don’t mean there needed to be profanity; I’m talking about convincing language, period. Except for a few lines by Obi-Wan-Kenobi I don’t think there was a realistic, or at least non-dorky line during the entire damned 121 minutes - and that was just before the lengthier Editor’s Cut version came out!

Those poor fated admirals. Just once couldn’t have Darth Vader had a good excuse for knocking them off? Now if he’d overheard one of these guys whispering something like, “Emperor’s boytoy”, or “I heard he got this position on his knees”, well, then, just maybe I’d have understood his angst. But from the first of this movie we’re given the impression Vader has some awesome knowledge of the darker forces. Nothing so turns me off as a big, menacing villain-type without an iota of self-restraint when it comes to interacting with his cowering minions.

Let’s not forget Yoda. This half-pint green goblin managed to dispense more cheesy similes into a single movie than my ten year old can out of an aerosol full of soft cheddar.

“Try not. Do, or do not.” Sorry, Yoda, you’d been more impressive just throwing up your hands and saying, “Yeah, sure. I can’t see you lifting ten ounces in the john, let alone a space craft.”

Speaking of Luke Skywalker, a touch of solid emotion would have gone a long way:
“They killed Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru? Those bastards!!”

And as Luke was supposed to be a teen, a glimpse of awakening virility in his dialog couldn’t have hurt:
“Whoa, Obi-Wan, catch the jugs on that hooker!”

Then, there’s Han Solo. To help his mercenary image his dialog could have stood a manlier undercurrent, don’ you think?
Han: “Yeah, male Delayan prostitutes are known for their big hooters, kid.”

Han: “If you think that worm was big, Princess, you should see what’s in my pants.”

Han: “Your Highness, I usually say put out or get out, but in your case I’ll be happy with shut up.”

Han: “Is Chewbacca male or female? Let’s put it this way, as long as it gives head and keeps the Millennium Falcon waxed, I ain’t asking.”

9. Meet Joe Black, 1998 (Adaptation)

I haven’t seen the original French play this was developed from, but I actually rather liked the adaptation as it was. The only thing I would have suggested to the writers and director: Brad Pitt’s nice to look at, but it isn’t so much romantic as showcasing when the love scenes revolve around the man’s exaggerated facial expressions and lingering shots of his naked butt. Had you devoted equal time to her facial expressions and her butt, this one might have turned out a true romantic charmer.

8. The Other (1971) Adaptation

Long before King’s “Dark Half” author Tom Tryon gave the world, “The Other”. He also wrote the screenplay for the 1971 film adaptation.

I saw this movie the first time when I was a kid, and talk about scary! It was only as an adult that I purchased the book, and devoured the storyline. It is the story of twin brothers, Niles and Holland Perry, and of the murder and mayhem going on all around them. The movie is wonderful, too, and there’s only one thing I would have changed –actually added to the screenplay, and that’s the specifics of what’s really happening to poor Niles –or is that indeed Holland? Before reading the novel I thought the situation was one of evil possession. But the real deal that went on in the novel is much more disturbing: the culpability question not so clear-cut as the film would lead us to believe, and the distinction between innocence and evil not easily defined. I don’t buy the psychological symbolisms some readers find in the tale; and what made it so thoroughly unsettle my nerves was that yeah, given the right circumstances I can see where this could happen to a child (children) trained in spirit travel but not taught the ethics of the practice. The ending of the book was the most poignant event of all, as it deals out a hellish, heart-wrenching end for the “surviving” twin. Had these factors been kept in the movie I’m sure The Other wouldn’t have just turned out an entertainingly scary film, but a truly brilliant one.

7. Pale Rider (1985)

Liked this one a lot; a simple, enthralling drama with great plot resolution. But dang, if any movie ever cried out for a hot, sweaty love scene it was this one. And don’t tell me Clint couldn’t have pulled it off; I've seen "Beguiled".

6. DUNE (1984 release, adaptation, directed by David Lynch)

In the world of fan fiction, surely there’s nothing as difficult as trying to cram a long and very intricate story into one very time-budgeted screenplay; and nothing quite as unforgivable as doing a lousy job of just that. The screenwriters of this film apparently knew Frank Herbert’s storyline, as they hinted at, alluded to or at least brushed on practically every consequential plot twist and turn and major character nuance. But that was it. Their end product was something with a lot of special effects, long-drawn out sequences highlighting these special effects, and literally no imparting to their audience of what the hell was going on. I’d have to call this one at best a good marketing device to sell the book. I was pretty young when it was released, so had to buy the book if I wanted to understand the plot, right? How else was I supposed to figure out why the dude put his hand in that flaming box? What was up with the cap over that ugly fat guy’s heart? Why did they call that little girl an abomination? What was all the big-to-do about “spice”– something you put in 5 Alarm chili, maybe? The movie sure didn’t expound on these things. Yep, went back and got the book, ended up reading the series, too. But I have no desire to ever help the film's makers pocket a few residuals by renting it now.

5. Legend (American release, 1986)

This dark, stylish and slightly sexy fantasy is really cool to watch. I never get tired of it. But dang, it could have been darker and sexier, and came out even more stylish.

4. Interview With The Vampire (1994) Adaptation

There was only one thing that kept me from loving this exquisitely done adaptation: I’d already read the more exquisite novel. Now back when the news hit that Tom Cruise had got the leading part of Lestat I laughed. But after seeing the film, I have to say he pulled off the role with fantastic flair.

The film makers apparently read the novel and took great pains in executing a film with lavish settings, period costumes and even the general understated sensuous feel that makes the novel so captivating. The problem came in their almost provincial revamping of certain story lines. In other words, if they had the artistic balls to show Louis in an almost homo-erotic kiss with Armand, they shouldn’t have discarded artistic integrity by whitewashing Claudia’s risqué passion for Louis. And sure, Antonio Banderas is one hunky guy, but dammit, Armand was a teen when “turned”, not a fully grown man! Aside from this, the most erotic aspects of Rice’s vampires were simply bereft here. A disappointment for the fans and a real loss for the movie audience, especially as Anne Rice wrote the screenplay.

3. Hellraiser series (1987 – ongoing?) Birthed from an adaptation

By the second Hellraiser film we get subtle hints that Pinhead has a thang for Kristy. By the time the sixth installment (Hellseeker) rolls around Pinhead’s desire has been marinating so long you know his leather underwear needs a discreet trip to the dry cleaners. And it’s quite apparent, through Kristy’s cagey flirtations that yeah, she wants him baaaaad, too. Yep, call me an old-fashioned romantic, but at one point in this series Pinhead really should have been the one to show up crooning, “Daddy’s home!” - flowers, candy and cat-o’-nine-tails in hand. It would have made heaven in hell.

2. The Mists of Avalon (2001) Adaptation

Admittedly, this one was made-for-TV, but that’s still no excuse for the disaster it turned out to be.

Based on the great novel by Marion Zimmer Bradley, someone, somewhere decided the plot had the makings of a wonderful movie. The film makers relied on some New Agey themes for the ambience; themes pursued at an almost most hippy-dippy silly level. The makers also relied heavily on the latest computer special effects at their disposal. Unlike Lynch’s Dune, however, these special effects came off looking like special effects. The unforgivable thing about this movie is that whoever wrote the screenplay simply didn’t seem to know the novel or even care. Oh, maybe they had read the book’s reviews; maybe they’d heard others talk about the plot; maybe someone recognized the title from the copy their spouse kept on the headboard. But scenes got mixed-up; characters were forgotten or uncertain; motives were so hazy as to be annoying. The whole thing came off as one very embarrassing endeavor.

1. The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) Adaptation

Adaptation of the novel by Niko Katzanzakis. For the sake of a completely unbiased critique, let’s stand back for a few moments and go over the basic plot here as if we’ve never heard of the novel or Jesus of Nazareth.

Here goes: dude has busied himself delivering a message of salvation and his father’s abiding love; Dad happening to be God Almighty. Dude has prepared for the ultimate sacrifice in order to show the world that Dad means business. But when given the opportunity to change Dad’s blueprints for his future, dude accepts. He consequently falls in love, has a family and lives his life being the best darned father, husband and neighbor he can be. However, Dad will never forget the slight, and for this is prepared to make sure the whole damned world suffers for his son’s affront. Well, son is horrified, and certainly doesn’t want the poor entire world to be wiped away because of his choices and happiness. Time turns back and now dude can face a painful martyrdom knowing that while he’ll never get together with his one true love and his children now never existed, hey, at least the world’s been saved.

Alright, from this unbiased analysis, I’d have call TLTOC dark fiction. A plot flawed by hypocrisy, as most of the way through the film makers have told us that being a fair, hardworking and loving man is a pretty worthy thing indeed! And being a decent guy, I can see where dude might let himself be sacrificed for the world. But to resign himself without peep one, knowing full-well now how wrathful Dad is? C’mon! Dude had a right to be pissed; and if his beloveds really did matter to him, realistically, he should have gone down cursing Big Daddy forever. And what irony was that to discover in his darkest hour that Dad’s love is only conditional as opposed to the good press dude had given him all along? Yes, this Jesus should have been damned pissed.

From a view of familiarity with the novel, it’s a flawed work as there’s not enough emphasis on the more subtle points the author suggested in his Gnostic-influenced work.

From a view of familiarity to the Biblical Jesus of dogmatic Christian philosophy the end message of this film is this: in the eyes of the one and only God it is a travesty to believe that His chosen Messiah can change the world for the better if that change doesn’t involve turning his back utterly on the most precious and joyous things in life. I am not Christian but Pagan, and it occurs to me that the fundamentalists who bemoaned and protested this movie when it came out are the very ones who should have hailed that end message of the film.

Ok, with that said-
here’s my list of Top 20 movies –in no particular order- that I wouldn’t change for a million dollars. Their scripts seem to me perfect just the way they are. With the numerous adaptations on this list it certainly makes me wonder about the imagination of Hollywood writers. (Oh, and if I’ve missed denoting those which are adaptations, please speak up!)

20. Citizen Kane, 1941

19. A.I. (Artificial Intelligence), 2001 (Adaptation of “Supertoys Last All Summer Long” by Brian Wilson Aldiss. With all the references to Collodi’s Pinocchio, might this one be aptly described as an adaptation-with-an-adaptation?)

Steven Spielberg has made impressive movies, but he never really reached Sci-Fi film mastery until making A.I. In my opinion, as far as scripts go, A.I. is Spielberg’s tightest and most articulate. It is also probably the most unforgettable movie I’ve ever seen; the story of a little robot boy who wants nothing but to be a real live boy in order to win the love of the woman he calls “Mommy”. A word to the wise: if you’ve not seen A.I. yet, please get out the tissue box beforehand. I’ve seen it twice, and as perfect a story as it is, will have to wait awhile before seeing it again due to the poignant imagery.

18. Life Is Beautiful (Vita è bella, La), 1997

17. Ghostbusters, 1984

16. Excalibur, 1981 (Adaptation)

15. The Green Mile, 1999 (Adaptation)

14. Titanic, 1997

13. Frankenstein, 1996 (Adaptation of the rehashed Mary Shelley story, and the only one I've seen where the makers seemed to deeply care about keeping the script respectful of the original novel. Brought to the silver screen thanks to the gifted Kenneth Branagh.)

12. O Brother, Where Art Thou?, 2000 (Quasi-adaptation)

11. Gandhi, 1982

10. The Haunting, 1963 (The best adaptation of any horror work I’ve ever seen, based on what is very possibly the most frightening novel ever written, The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson)

9. Catch-22, 1970 (Adaptation, and in my opinion, one of the best screenplays ever, period.)

8. The Godfather, 1972 (Adaptation, and yes, I mean the first in the movie series)

7. The Wall, 1982 (Adaptation, but not from a literary source)

6. It’s A Wonderful Life, 1946

5. The Wizard of Oz, 1939 (Adaptation; and the only poorly adapted screenplay on my list here –‘cause the movie is just that good!)

4. A Christmas Story, 1983 (Adaptation)

3. Blazing Saddles, 1974

2. Rosemary’s Baby, 1968 (Adaptation)

1. The Princess Bride, 1987 (Once more, an adaptation. Inconceivable!)

©September 2007 by Desiree Erotique
www.romanticsurrender.com