USA Sex Laws Facts & Fancies

anya howard's picture


©2007 Desiree Erotique

The Facts:

A legal secretary friend sent the following items for my amusement. They’re real laws from around the United States, some still on the books, and which specifically address sexual conduct or activities. To share:

Ladies, be advised if you’re planning to move to Arizona: In Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildos in a house.

In the great state of Arkansas oral sex is considered to be sodomy.

Who says California is the land of sex and sin? In California animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Florida: When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

In North Carolina: All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.

Cleveland, Ohio: Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes -- a
man might see the reflection of something he shouldn’t.

In the great state of Oklahoma:
1. It is illegal to have sex before you are married.
2. Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel
3. (And the owners of old Vegas will be happy about this one): Molesting an automobile is illegal.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.

Pennsylvania: It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

Iowa: A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public.

Indiana: A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

In Virginia, you can't have sex during the daytime, with a light on, or with socks on.

Oklahoma, it is illegal to have oral sex.

Oregon: It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits.

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

South Carolina: It is illegal to give or receive oral sex.

Virginia: If one is not married, it is illegal for him or her to have sexual relations.

But my own state of Tennessee might take the cake: here, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

The Fancies:

After a good but nervous laugh over these, I got to thinking. Ok, I’m generally pretty liberal about sex. But yeah, if I could be Queen of the world for a single day, heck, I might be tempted to pass a few laws of my own. Here they are; take ‘em as you will:

It is illegal to talk on a cell phone while having sex.

It is illegal to kiss another individual on the mouth if you are chewing tobacco.

Requirement for any woman whose husband has held or does hold the office of the President of the United States: in the case where said husband has owned up to extra-marital affairs, including but not restricted to the activity popularly termed a “Lewinsky”, the wife must at least once publicly threaten to pull a “ Loreena Bobbit” on offending husband if he even thinks of doing it again before she may run for political office.

It is illegal for evangelical figures, popularly known as charismatic preachers, to denounce homosexuality if they have ever participated in homosexual sex.

The writing and possession by anyone eighteen years of age or older of any written material of a nature involving fictional acts of sexual activities of any kind –whether natural or as popularly referred to as deviant- are not to be construed as depraved or perverted. The consequences for denouncing, harassing or otherwise persecuting any individual for the possession and authorship of such material will result in a fine of no less than $500.00 and the required participation in a Constitutional Rights refresher course.

It is illegal to have sex with a knothole on a fencepost without the written permission of the owner of the fencepost.

Any person identified as a “celebrity” may not get divorced after a second marriage except on provable grounds of extra-marital infidelity or physical abuse. Likewise, celebrities with a proven pattern for quick weddings and divorces and who go on to whine about marital unhappiness to any identifiable media source, including but not restricting book deals and appearances on Maury, will be penalized with a public mocking.

Morbidly obese individuals must clear the pool of the elderly, the infirm and all toddlers in floatation devices before having sex in it.

For any parent who has encouraged their teenage son to do the “adult thing” and register for the draft it is illegal to cry “Child Predator!” if said teen son has sex with any of his teachers or other educational instructors.

For the matter of professional phone date/sex businesses, it is illegal to use attractive promotional models on television who are not actually employed with the company to take the calls.

Any sexual activity that diverts the driver of a vehicle from the full attention that driving requires is prohibited while the vehicle is on a street or road and the motor is running. Likewise, it is illegal for nosy old fogies to peer into the windows of a parked car when the windows are fogged and the whole vehicle is undulating in a tell-tale manner.

Acts of snobbish behavior toward erotica authors by authors of literature popularly referred to as Romance is illegal.

Publishers of Romance literature are prohibited from setting a “formula” requisite within their writing guidelines.

It is illegal to use poser graphics where literary heroes are portrayed having “man titties”, unless and except in cases where the hero is also a hermaphrodite.

The testing of DNA to determine paternity of any child shall not be used as means to meet Judge Hatchett or check out her fine booty.

It is illegal for a woman to cry “Date Rape” if the man in question was having an orgasm at the time she finally decided to say No.

It is illegal for a man to schedule sex with his wife to coincide with the commercial slots during the broadcasting of a ball game.

Addressing the portrayal of Velma from The Scooby-Doo cartoon series in any manner depicting her as One Hot Piece of Lesbo Ass: while not illegal, it is hereby designated as Just Not Mentally Sound.

The wearing of adult diapers by anyone employed by NASA as a matter of convenience while tracking down one’s rival with intent to threaten, harm or kill is strictly prohibited.

Operators of “Child Predator” stings are not allowed to employ or otherwise engage an individual over the age of consent to pose as the “child”. Likewise, the parents of any child twelve years of age or younger who discovers that “Junior” has achieved in stinging the stingers by posing online as an adult man looking for young booty may, just for the hell of it, sue the operators of the sting for up to five million dollars.

The displaying or circulation of nude photographs or a depiction of “Chop”, aka “The King of Cars”, to individuals with known heart conditions is prohibited.

Anyone confined to a state or federal prison and who has been known to practice public fondling of his or her genitals shall not be allowed to work in the kitchen department of their place of confinement.

Businesses and agencies involved in the process of photograph development cannot deny service for photo processing or withhold photographs or negatives to any parent or grandparent on the pretext that images of bare-butt tots, naked infants on bear skin rugs, or similar images are obscene. Managers who allow or encourage such activity will be subject a heavy fine and evaluation by a certified board of mental health practitioners. And in the case of corporate giant, Wal-Mart, all instances of the Smiley Price-Slasher Logo in the store of offending manager will be replaced, for the duration of one year, with pictures of a child from the Far East who works in a Wal-Mart sweat shop.

The selling and promoting of green “M&M”s as an aphrodisiac to impressionable idiots is illegal.

It is illegal for Men to wear trousers, slacks, jeans or other apparel identified universally as pants with the waist band hanging in a slouchy manner and set lower than the hips and the underwear is showing, if such activity is deemed only a “fashion statement”, and especially when the underwear should have been changed at least three days prior. Likewise, men who change underwear regularly and whose job requires them to undress in front of ogling women with lots of dollar bills to spare shall be protected in their enterprises to the full extent of the law in these United States.